coming clean

i'm usually a pretty happy person. but i've been known to have some really, really bad days. when i'm having one of 'those' days and someone asks me how i'm doing or what's the matter, i almost always brush it off with an 'i'm just tired.' i've come to accept that even though i am physically exhausted most of those bad days, it's more than that--but i just don't want to waste any more time or energy on it. i fully realize how childish and irrational some of these things may seem. i am also fully aware of how much pressure i put on myself. i used to blame it on my mother, but i understand now that i put most of it on myself. i'm usually pretty good at keeping these feelings in check, but some days i just can't deal. today would be one of those days. when i'm feeling pretty rough, i'm not lying about being tired. yes, i'm most likely physically exhausted, but it's also usually one of a limited number of other things i'm tired of. most of these aren't referring to any specific situation or person, they are pretty broad observations--interpret as you wish, you're probably right.

• i'm tired of being compared to other people. sometimes it's me being compared, sometimes it's something i've done or want to do being compared, and sometimes it's me doing the comparing, because i know everybody else is going to do it anyways--why let other people rip you to shreds when you can do a better job yourself, no?

• i'm tired of people judging other people and putting them into little boxes where the ones doing the judging think they fit. no matter what those people do, they can't get out of the box they are put in. in the minds of the judging, every single word and action wedges the others even tighter into their box. i will admit to being this way on occasion, but usually only when the see-saw refuses to budge from the weightier side, if you know what i mean... even then, i tend to hold out hope for the lightweight to catapult the heavy guy across the sky.

• i'm tired of having very limited adult interaction and people giving me a hard time about talking so much when i do have the opportunity to interact. maybe if i had something interesting or really meaningful (at least to them) to talk about it wouldn't be that way. i mean, everybody already knows how awesome shortstack is, so i just sound conceited when i talk about him even more, right? and most of the people we know don't even have kids, so why would they want to hear about it anyways? plus, it's ALL i have to talk about. when i do have something important to say, people tend to not really listen or tune me out completely because all i talk about is useless garbage, why would they need to listen?

• i'm tired of having a hard time asking for help, and when i finally do having to beg, and beg, and beg, and beg for it. this applies to you, stupid yard people who will never come out, EVEN THOUGH WE WILL BE PAYING YOU.

• i'm tired of the bonehead things i do that make everything so much more difficult or pretty much ruin what i worked so hard on. example: spending a whole week doing hard, physical prison-type labor preparing a small garden plot, only to practically kill the plants by spraying them with soapy water to keep the bugs off; also, soaking myself with gasoline/oil mix because i forgot to open the can's vent before unscrewing the funnel attachment. who needs fancy, expensive perfume? i got a whole gallon of 'eaude de gasoline' for $2.05!

• i'm tired of being the maid. but nobody else will do it, and nobody else even thinks it really needs to be done. all i'm asking is that people pick up/put away their own stuff and TRY not to make a mess in the first place. even brushing your feet off an extra little bit at the door helps.
  

• i am tired of every day being essentially the same. but i guess that's what happens when you get older and 'grow up.' how boring!

• i'm tired of not having time, money, and energy/effort for myself and from others. there is always plenty for anything and everyone else, but never any for myself or the things i want to accomplish, much less for any hobbies or recreational interests. i can't even sit and watch tv without doing something or thinking about what i else i should be doing. if by the off chance i do have some down time, i'd rather be by myself doing stuff that needs to be done than just goofing around. if i can't manage to reserve any of those things for myself, how can i expect others to deem me worthy of any of theirs?